Her jealousy is tearing us apart

Dear Pastor,

I am 24 years old and my girlfriend is 21. She is very loyal to me, but she thinks that I do not behave as if I am loyal to her.

Whenever she sees me talking to another girl, even if we are in church, she becomes very jealous and talks to me about it. She thinks that I am spending too much time talking to other girls, and that I am ignoring her. However, I am not. I have to be friendly with everybody.

She is not my first girlfriend. Her father is a pastor. My girlfriend has a friend who told me that she has not always kept to herself. I asked the girl how she knows and she said they they talk. She also said a man told others about getting her 'cookie'. I am very disappointed because this girl told me that she was a virgin.

My girlfriend and I are planning to go to Bible college. It will take three years to complete the programme. The pastor is suggesting that we get married before we go to college. If we are going to get married, this matter of sex will come up during pre-marital counselling.

She has asked me if I ever had sex. She insisted that she wanted to know if it was one of the girls in the church and I told her I refuse to tell her. That is one of the reasons why she is always upset if I am talking to any of the girls for a long time. The young people of our church went on a retreat and I had to keep away from the girls who attended.

I know for sure that I will not go to see her father for pre-marital counselling, but he is anxious to meet with the both of us. I know that if this girl really gave away her 'cookie', she will not tell that to her father.

What should I do about her jealousy? Should I discuss with her what I heard about her giving away her 'cookie'? I am really worried about what I heard from her friend.

B.S.

Dear B.S.,

You should not believe everything you hear. You also cannot be certain that this young woman has been intimate with another man. However, since this has been suggested to you, it is reasonable to ask her directly.

You now find yourself in a dilemma because you admitted to her that you have had sex, yet you refused to disclose with whom. I do not mean to suggest that you should have revealed that information -- in my view, it is not important. But if the woman you were previously involved with attends the same church, your girlfriend may constantly wonder whether anything is still going on.

The past is the past, yet some people struggle to bury it. And who can say when, or even if, she lost her virginity? Was it before your relationship began, or after?

Young man, I encourage you to have an honest, private conversation with your girlfriend. If you discover that she was not truthful, I urge you to forgive her. Believe me, you can still marry her. There are not many virgins around these days, but she should make every effort to tell you the truth -- the whole truth.

You do not need to speak with her father for pre-marital counselling, and it may not be a bad idea for both of you to get married before entering Bible college. Couples who struggle with jealousy and trust issues are often better off settling those matters before enrolling.

Pastor